It’s always nice when you feel like you can really be you with the people you work with. Earlier, I got this message from the development manager at this company that I regularly work for.
Charles and I were discussing paintball this morning and it occurred to me that paintball could be a fun team event in October! Charles is an avid paintballer, so he would of course be on my team. Let me know if you have any particular reason why you think paintball is for the birds, otherwise, I’m going to see if we can reserve a field.
And in an ongoing effort to be honest and authentic, I replied:
Hard pass for me.
Don’t let that stop everyone else, but I don’t do paintball primarily for reasons of being a huge target/wuss.
The truth hurts. But a little less than getting hit with paintballs.
I recently bought a pretty bad-ass sit/stand desk, and as a result am selling my old glass desk on Craigslist. I have it listed for $60.
As is customary for selling things Craigslist, no matter what the item is priced at, there’s always a negotiation. You could be selling a $500 item for $20, and there’s a 90% chance that the buyer will ask “will you take $10 for it”. (Lack of punctuation is also customary Craigslist behavior.)
Them: Do you still have desk a you posted on Craigslist
Me: Yes, do you want to come and see it?
Them: Yes please when are you available
Me: I work from home so any time today would work for me
Them: OK it would have to be until around 7pm is that fine
Me: Sure, sounds good. I’m in South Austin, do you think you’ll be here at 7?
Them: Yes or perhaps closer to 730 also would you be willing to take 40
Me: I would take $50. Deal?
Them: Well I would be driving all the way from parmer lane which is why I can’t be there till 7 so with driving the distance can you do 40 and it’s a deal
Which brings us to our topic. I want to sell this desk, but I also really want to send back a tasty zinger, which I realize could cost me this sale. This is a risk I’m willing to take, as I have faith the desk will eventually sell. But currently, I’m trying to figure out the best possible zinger I could send.
A friend of mine recently won a contest on Facebook by spotting a misidentified bird species in the March-April edition of Minnesota Conservation Volunteer Magazine. He was able to correctly identify the bird as a Dickcissel, which up until yesterday was a word I had never heard before.
I admire this, because this sort of nature knowledge is completely foreign to me.
Despite my admiration, the bylaws of our friendship require me to make at least one wisecrack about any achievement in a subject in which we do not share knowledge.
My friend Mark posted the following MC Hammer video on Facebook with the caption:
Good morning everyone. Your day is about to get better. You’re welcome.
What followed in the comments is some of the finest extemporaneous creative writing I’ve ever done.
Me: This is where Hammer peaked as a lyricist.
Mark: I’m not the Hammer historian you are, Jeff, so correct me if I’m wrong, but might this also be his speedo-wearing, schlong-slinging peak as well?
Me: It’s not that simple, Mark. With great work comes great struggle, and this Hammer masterpiece is no exception.
It’s widely believed among Hammer historians that this video is layered in metaphor with Hammer’s feelings on his celebrity. The remote controlled waterfall symbolizes the unhinged excess that piles of money can cause, and the stark change from his extra-baggy silk parachute pants to his fully-exposed banana hammock symbolize the complete loss of privacy Hammer experienced as he became more famous.
But he keeps up the facade of happiness for the public, and “goes through the motions” (symbolized by the choreographed dance moves in the second half), with his true emotions hidden by the dark black sunglasses he wears throughout the video.
So while the layman may view this video as his speedo-wearing peak (no offense), it actually marks the peak of Hammer’s sadness. And his genius.
Mark: Profound. Could it then be said that, in Hammer’s philosophical search for the true self, that his speedo, as juxtaposed with his harem of bikini clad ladies, is intended to symbolize the Anima Jungian archetype?
Me: I go into that in the seventh chapter of my book, When Parachute Pants Don’t Break Your Fall: The Untold MC Hammer Story, hitting bookshelves in October.